We REPEAT what we don’t REPAIR
“We REPEAT what we don’t REPAIR”- Christine Langley Obaugh.
A common question many people ask when they come to therapy is “Why I keep getting attracted to the wounded and wrong people? Why my life is never getting better? How come I ignored the red flags?
For all human beings, connection is an undeniably vital element for friendships, family, and romantic relationships. We seek comfort in what is familiar and predictable to us—even if this means repeatedly dating people who are emotionally distant or physically abusive. This is because sometimes, we convince ourselves that we are unlovable, unworthy or defective in some ways, so we don’t learn or have never learned to value our own needs, but we prioritise to look after others and their needs.
“If you grew up unwanted and ignored, it is a major challenge to develop a visceral sense of agency and self-worth- Bessel A. van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma.
For some people, healthy relationship can appear to be intimidating because it is unfamiliar to them and they are not used to healthy boundaries, emotional closeness and experiencing a sense of safety and security. For them, it is far more unrealistic. So, it is important to rewire the brain for more love and acceptance. Essentially it is about “training” the brain to respond more constructively in relationship situations. This can be achieved through techniques like interpersonal skills, meditation, and relationship counselling.
As we all know brain develops from bottom to top. Like our brain, in order to heal from our past wounds and traumas, a “child part” refers to the inner child part fundamentally needs love and affection to feel safe, secure, and develop a healthy sense of self-esteem. Inner child work involves healing emotional wounds and traumas from our childhood.
I am sure many of us relate to what I saw in an article that read “healing can be so hard when your inner child part wants love, your teenage part wants revenge, and your current adult part wants peace.”